Reflections on 2010

Though our family has many, many wonderful traditions for all times of the year, one of my very favorites is our meal tickets on New Year's Eve and Day. Before we come to a meal, we have to think about and answer a question reflecting on the year, and then over the meal, we share our answers. This tradition is wonderful because it makes you think about the highs and lows, successes and challenges of the year before and it gives us a chance to bond as a family through sharing.

Thinking honestly about 2010, though, I realized that it's been a pretty hard year. I struggled with hormone imbalance, loneliness and depression, unhealthy relationships. God is present, though, and this year I've learned how to trust Him with my finances, what to do when I am lonely or depressed, who I can turn to when life takes a wrong turn. And the last 2 months of 2010 were eye-opening because they showed me just what can happen if I give up trying to control things and hand the reins over to God. And right now, I'm incredibly happy and 2011 is looking like a much brighter, richer year!

On a lighter note, though, one of the other things we do is list our favorite songs from the year and create a Burns' Top Songs CD to listen through throughout the year. The entire list of everyone's favorites can be found here: http://www.mydailyphotofix.com/2011/01/kazburns-2010-hits .

Here are a few links to some of my personal favorites for 2010 (showing my eclectic and unsophisticated music taste). Happy listening!

Don't Stop Believin' - Journey - final song of Dance Marathon (highlight of my winter!)
Extraordinary - Liz Phair - my boppin' antidepressant of the spring
Hey, Soul Sister - Train - summer favorite of mine and Dani's (сестра моей души!)
You're Beautiful - Phil Wickham - top praise song of the fall
Like, Wow - Leslie Carter - what was going through my head for the last month and a half of 2010 :-)

And my personal favorite for the first week of 2011? The Best Thing - Relient K

These are a few of my favorite things

With absolutely no apologies for my long absence nor any promises for future better behavior, I decided to make a list of things that make me happy. In the hustle and bustle of the craziness and stress of school, it's easy to forget things like that and just get swept up in just getting the next thing done. But life really, truly is beautiful and I want to remember that today.

Things that make me happy:

1) A non-fat no-whip pumpkin spice latte (second choice is a non-fat caramel macchiatto, but only when pumpkin spice lattes are no longer in season) - preferably from Peet's (best coffee in Evanston!)
2) Taking a walk around the Lakefill while listening to music (and if it's early in the morning/late at night, you can rock out to your heart's content because no one can see you)
3) Late-night conversations with people dear to my heart
4) Turning the music up all the way and singing while cleaning the house (this is best done when you are alone so as not to shock people by singing very loudly)
5) Baking cookies and sharing them with friends
6) Watching the sun rise over University Hall
7) Listening to Jason's sermons and praising God surrounded by a community of people I value and respect
8) The simplicity of preschoolers: singing "My Grandfather's Clock" and "I've Been Working on the Railroad"; reading "Chicka-Chicka Boom-Boom" and following it up with a rendition of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ("Oh Chicka, you Chicka, Chicka-Chicka Boom-Boom, Chicka-Chicka Boom-Boom, we love you!").
9) Reading books! (I forget this one often, but just laying around and reading wonderfully written books has got to be one of the best things in life)
10) My family. No matter where I live or how many miles separate us, there will never be anyone like my family for listening, loving, and laughing with me.

Life is short. Enjoy the sunshine and flowers along the way!

Journalistic Musings...

“Hi, my name is Jackie Burns, and I’m a journalist writing an article on this event. Do you have a second to answer a few questions?”

Riding the El last weekend, a bag of expensive reporter equipment slung over my shoulder and my Starbucks in hand, I had a flash of myself in 5 years, an actual journalist, doing the same things I’m doing now. I covered a high school football team and interviewed the mom of the captain of the cheer-leading team and felt, for the first time at Northwestern, that I was actively performing the exact tasks that I will do for my job. Getting permission from my instructor to cut the word “student” from my introduction made everyone 50 times more willing to talk to me (which is psychologically amusing) and made me feel much more professional. One of the cheerleaders did ask me if they were all going to be rich and famous. My answer? “When I get rich and famous, you guys will be too!” Journalists don’t go in for the fame or the money and if those are your goals, you need to get out now, before it’s too late.

But, snapping pictures with one hand, holding my audio recorder with the other, and my video camera set up on a step taping the game and talking to the spectators, I had another realization. Coming in as a freshman, I was somehow under the impression that the next four years would prepare me to be a journalist and give me all the knowledge I needed and that, when I graduated, I would know exactly what I was doing. But last weekend, it hit me that I will never, ever know what I’m doing. It’s kind of like growing up: when you’re a little kid, you think that once you grow up, you’ll somehow have a map of all the right things in your head. You won’t be confused or lost or not know what the right decision might be. But I’m already almost 20 and I still don’t have that map. You don’t automatically know the right decision, but the experience that you have makes you able to pretend like you might. Journalism is even more extreme, though. There is so much unpredictability, so many surprises. I read articles and realize that the reporters that write for the New York Times really have no more “knowledge” than I do. When I graduate, I will be just the same confused, lost girl, but I’ll be able to fake it a little better. I don’t think there will ever be an interview or a situation where I will show up and feel that I am positive I know what I’m doing. But each article I write, each video that I record gives me a little bit more experience to add to my bag of tricks. And all that matters is that I can fool the people that I’m interviewing into thinking that I actually know what I’m doing… confidence trumps book-knowledge any day of the week.

Reflections after my Freshman Year...

Things I’ve learned during my first year of college –

1. I never actually knew what it meant to be busy until this year.

2. Children are an incredible gift from God and can teach us so much about unconditional love and simplicity. So often, a glimpse into the world of crayons, playgrounds, and dress-up can help us to take a step backward and reevaluate our grown-up life.

3. The best ideas come at 3 in the morning.

4. I function best when I am trying to help others. I am willing to do things for other people that I would be incredibly intimidated to do on my own.

5. Never trust an iPod voice recorder to ACTUALLY be recording your interviews.

6. Little things are so much less important than I ever could have imagined. In the grand scheme of things, does it actually matter if someone is not speaking to you? I’ve learned only to care about the opinions of those who are dear to me.

7. Dining halls = death.

8. Emotional independence is an incredible thing, never to be undervalued and something that I will always strive after, even when (if?) I am dating someone again.

9. Coffee is an efficient sleep replacer. A Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte = approximately 2 hours of sleep.

10. I really, truly love acting.

11. The friends that you love the most are those who love you in spite of yourself.

12. “Death”, “brains,” “there is NO way of knowing,” and “who DOES that?” are all extremely acceptable exclamations.

13. I would much rather write a 15 page paper than take a final.

14. It’s ok to question your faith. Or, at least, it’s better than the alternative – ignoring it. God will see you through your questions and meet you at the other side.

15. The world is SO BIG and I want to see ALL of it.

16. I function best when my classes start at 9 AM.

17. Worship is an incredibly important part of my relationship with God. I have difficulties when I have to pick a good worship experience or a good sermon – but RUF takes care of the good sermon bit for me, which is useful.

18. 1-minute microwaveable rice can, in fact, sustain you for days at a time.

19. I have an unshakeable work ethic and propensity for studying. It can get me through classes which I have no business taking. That, and that alone, is what keeps me in a school this good.

20. Intellectual stimulation is the best thing ever!

21. Vacuuming is an important thing to remember to do.

22. I am more passionate than even I thought I was, more goal-oriented, and more driven. This can make it difficult to understand people who are less driven, less sure than I am. But, this makes me so sure of what I want to do that I would tear down brick walls with my fingernails if that was what would get me there.

23. RTA Trip Planner is an irreplaceable thing. With it, I can go anywhere and do anything.

24. I can take any crisis in stride, even in the middle of night. (Case in point: my roommate woke me up with the words: ‘Jackie, there’s a fire, we need to leave.’ I hopped up, threw on a sweatshirt and shoes, and ran out the door before I even woke up.)

25. Jumping up and down, dancing, and singing loudly are all things that are good for the soul, especially after finals.

26. Life is an adventure. Never expect for things to be smooth and normal, because then it would just get boring. Living on the edge of insanity is better than being bored.

27. I look at things that other people declare absolutely impossible and proceed to go and prove them wrong.

28. I love, love, love, love working with video and audio. I love messing with the levels, I love cutting things together and making the quarter-milliseconds line up exactly.

29. Every single person has a big, black secret or problem in their life- something that makes them who they are, something that hurts them. You think life isn’t like that, that it’s only that way in books, but actually, that is not true at all. No one on this planet is completely whole and undamaged. This world needs a Savior so much.

30. I am talented at learning languages!

31. I will be mean to service personnel if it means I can get what I want. (I think I come by that one honestly… :))

32. I treasure my relationships with my parents and my siblings and the wonderful childhood and adolescence I had beyond almost anything else in this world.

33. My life is not made up of ONE defining moment, but rather hundreds of them. Thus, any single event can do no more than slightly steer the course of my life. Nothing can absolutely derail me.

34. There is no challenge in life that is so big that I cannot overcome it with God’s help. Nothing that the world can throw at me will do more than momentarily distract me from living my life to the best of my abilities, glorifying God in all that I do. I can recover from anything, go anywhere, attain any goal in life. I have faith that God could use me to change my little corner of the world.

So much more than just coffee..

Whether it's a grande skinny vanilla latte or a tall-medium-roast-in-a-grande-cup, Starbucks has definitely become a huge part of my life in college. People accuse Starbucks of being a cult, and that's totally true. They create personalized drinks for the few who understand how to work the system. Extra hot? No foam? No whip? Extra squirts of flavor? Half-decaf? For the ordinary passer by who just wants a CUP OF COFFEE, Starbucks is not the ideal place (also, their regular brew tastes like mud. I get the tall-in-the-grande-cup so then I can enough milk in it to make it taste decent. And when you're using the calorie-conscious skim milk, that's a lot). You have to learn how to say the right (and strange) words that will make your drink perfect every time. Who knew that just saying the word "skinny" could cut the calories of your drink in half? Coming from a post-communist, highly controlled country, the amount of choices that you have just to pick what type of coffee you want is slightly ridiculous. If I were a more adventuresome person, I would try every single combination of words and try countless flavors of drinks. But I am a person of extreme habit (thanks, Dad :)), and venturing beyond my two drinks of choice is always a challenge. I am currently enjoying a Friday treat, though: grande no whip coffee light frap, because it's just too beautiful outside to drink something hot (and I already had my Seattle's Best coffee this morning). Occasionally, I'll get a grande non fat chai tea latte, because it's Dani's favorite (though I laugh every single time I say I would like a "chai tea"). But as wonderful as it is, and as much as I feel proud of myself for conquering the system in order to get the right flavor and amount of calories that I want in my coffee, I am definitely looking forward to next year, when I will have a coffee machine in our apartment and I will be able to make myself simple, cheap coffee whenever I want. And really, that's all I need.

Discussions

After an eye-opening day in the south side of Chicago yesterday, I returned to have a very intense conversation with Tricia about how the American culture perceives race, what steps they are taking to ensure equality, and how those steps are actually backfiring and underlining the differences between different ethnic groups. It was definitely my most fascinating conversation of the week (and I found out something new about American culture and things that are NOT acceptable to say that I had no idea about). Having grown up in Kazakhstan, where everything is so different and race is perceived in a completely alien way to the way Americans understand things, it's been great for me to learn more about the difficulties in America. I honestly do not perceive race (my mother can attest to that - when I'll be describing someone, she'll ask me if they were Kazakh or Russian ... and I will have no idea. I just don't think that way) and my lifelong desire to be anything besides American (because being American was too "boring" for me) probably says something about my internal preferences. (I would no longer kill to be Canadian, but when I was 12, that was the ultimate country.) Last night, I came to the conclusion that, in my mind, cultural and cultural heritage is extremely important and should be preserved, however race is not always an accurate indicator of culture. (Perhaps this links somewhat to my own life and situation, but I was also thinking of all the Asian friends that I have here who have grown up in Florida or LA) But how America as a country could move from identifying people as "people of color" to "people of culture", I don't know.

I also realized last night that I need to learn to debate. I have a slight issue in that, when people question the moral or cultural principles that I believe in most strongly, I get so angry that anyone could even call those ideas into question that my impassioned convincing is not the most effective. (Strangely enough, I don't feel as angry when people question the existence of God, etc. Maybe that's because I've been trained to teach in that area, but not in others.) Northwestern offers a speech and debate class, I think, but sadly the three majors that I am trying to turn out don't leave room for many (read: ANY) "extra" classes.

Days of My Life

Dear Jacqueline M Burns,

The Undergraduate Research Grants Committee (URGC) has completed its
review of over 200 proposals for the 2009 Summer Grants. As chair of
the Committee, I am pleased to inform you that your proposal [20080181]
received favorable review. Thus, by this letter you are awarded a
Northwestern University Summer Undergraduate Research Grant in the
amount noted below intended to cover research and living expenses for
the summer of 2009.

According to URGC policy, in order to accept this grant you must agree
to devote at least eight (8) summer weeks of full-time (40 hours per
week) work to your project. Furthermore, you must agree not to
entertain other sources of employment or income during the 2009 summer
without prior approval by URGC.

...

After obsessively checking my email from 9 am to 3 pm on Friday (literally, every 5 minutes.. oh the wonders of the iPhone!), I received the above email. The amount of screaming and jumping up and down that subsequently ensued was possibly the most of any in my life (it felt like getting in to college all over again). I started screaming, "IGOTMYGRANTAAAHHHHHIGOTMYGRANT!!!!" and Suz spun my around in circles in the lounge. My roommate came rushing out of our room down the hall, asking frantically who was being attacked by a dog, but once she realized what was going on, joined in my excitement. I called my parents, texted all my friends and then went out to celebrate with my dear friends. I still cannot believe how blessed I am.

For those of you who are not sure what all this means, at the end of winter quarter, I applied for Northwestern's Undergraduate Research Grant, which is a grant of $3000 awarded to select students who propose to complete some sort of research project over the summer. My topic is the Gulag and the Soviet family- I want to explore the effect of the Gulag (Soviet concentration camps) on the family unit and record the stories of people who were directly affected by the Gulag. The stories of these people are NOT being told - an entire chapter of history is missing, as I see it. I spent an entire month and countless hours researching and writing my proposal (I submitted draft number 9 and read possibly 15 books), which is part of the reason winter quarter was the craziest time of my life. I invested so much of myself into this project that my proposal felt like my child. (The only thing I have ever felt as attached to was my college application essay.) These grants are awarded primarily to juniors and sometimes sophomores - I was told more than once that my topic was great, but I was a freshman, so I had better just come back next year and apply because my chances would be so much better. So you can imagine my excitement when I found out that I had made it, and had proved all the pessimists wrong. I still can't help randomly grinning from ear to ear and muttering under my breath, "Haha, I got my grant!" My summer is going to be absolutely and utterly perfect.

Life is sweet right now.. I love my university, I love the opportunities that are given to me, I am so thankful that I am here and nowhere else in the world, and I am amazingly excited for this summer and my research project!